I am an Uncle

I am the uncle of at least three boys and several girls. I don't know hardly any of them beyond seeing them on holidays in my brother's family's case and the once every 10 to 15 years for the rest of. I feel guilty about that.

Generational blame

Recent post by a friend:
"Me, behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove 200+ miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house w/7 men, Elephants could fly, Popeye smoked a pipe & had tattoos, PacMan ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, & Shaggy & Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies.The fault is not mine!"

How sad that people in my generation joke about this but then blame everyone else for issues and inconveniences in their lives.

Worse, the next generation blames us for destroying the planet while they produce more carbon emissions with their internet gaming, electric cars and devices, and processed food choices.

Disappointed by Netflix

I was disappointed by Netflix yesterday. I was excited to see the Arsenio Hall had a comedy special on Netflix. He was one of the comics that was friends with Eddie Murphy, came up and had his own Tonight Show or late-night show that competed against the Tonight Show, and he was funny on TV. And he had that grin that just made you laugh every time he told the joke.

But I got into the comedy special and the he cursed a lot. He used the N word. And it was constant. And I actually turned it off because I didn't want to fill my head with that.

I have enough trouble with my own language and my own thoughts, I don't need an entertainer that I enjoyed in the past filling my head with a bunch of junk that will echo for years.

I wonder if he realizes how he is a promoting the use of the N word? And all the other things that he said?

Communication

Communication in my family is done via various methods that are common today. And because those various methods are scattered and different for almost each person communication is hard.

My wife uses Facebook messenger to text. And so I may get a message from her on Facebook messenger, via text, she may grab email in the middle of a conversation and send an email about something, and for a while we tried Snapchat but that didn't work out very well. She will post things on Facebook and tag me in and expect me to catch it. And sometimes she'll leave me a written no that I'm supposed to catch as a flyby the table doing my thing.

My assignments in college informed me that I don't check the email account that I've used almost all of my life very much anymore, I use this other one now that you never sent email to but that's where I'm looking. My youngest son is all over the map and uses multiple things including the flip phone that we provide for him. My oldest son uses his work email and his phone for texting for the most part, and my daughter and son-in-law both use different methods of communication at different times.

With all of these methods of communication things still fall through the cracks. They will tell their mothers something expecting me to know it next time they talk to me. My mother will do that and expect me to know things and get upset when I don't know them. And what's hard for me is that I will get upset because they're operating as if I already know certain things and I have no idea about anything that they're talking about most of the time.

One of the most egregious examples for my life is when I was talking to my what mother one afternoon on the phone and she was talking about how wonderful it was what my brother and his wife were doing with their newborn son. And how I must feel so honored about what they had done. And I had to finally ask her what the hell you talking about? And she said the deed named him and made his middle name your name after you. This had not been shared with me at all. This is not been told to me by them, by my wife who knew and had known for several weeks, nor anybody else in the family. Surgeries have been that way, where people will tell my wife and then expect me to know it because they told my wife.

So I came up with a simple formula that I share with my family members: telling her does not equal telling me.

People laugh when I share that formula with them but it's true! And it's easy. And it keeps people out of trouble and keeps assumptions at a lower level.

Communication is fun! It's a lot more fun when it actually happens.

Visiting family

I enjoy going to visit family. It's challenging, it's awkward, it's uncomfortable, but I enjoy it.

We got to go and visit my daughter and son-in-law recently. It was great to do life with them for a few days. I'm proud of how well they are doing.

For my wife's birthday we had dinner at my oldest son's house. This was a special treat and made me feel especially proud of my son.

We went to visit my wife's brother and his family. Though we don't do this very often it was nice to spend time with them and see their new house. Very cool.

My wife and I argue about going. We don't want to intrude, then we remind each other that most people seem to think that about us. So we go ahead and intrude. I'm glad we do!

Tech driving society

At our game night recently we had five or six teenage boys come over to the house to hang out. It was a lot of fun, and we enjoyed eating waffles and the making waffle ice cream sandwiches at 10 o'clock at night after playing a game of pool in the basement.

One of the interesting things I noted was that when they came to my house they didn't knock on the door. They texted my son to let him know that they were there at the door. And then they just stood outside while my wife sat in the living room waiting for someone to knock.

This new generation has not been taught what we were taught. They've been raised looking at screens and programmed by people who want to addict them to their products.

They don't reply to personal text messages. They don't commit to anything until the last minute, and even then they tend not to commit to it they just show up.

It's a new time with a lot of the new rules in society. It's a puzzle because in order to survive there rewriting the rules and making things different.

I hope that we can adapt together.

Our home is comfortable

Our youngest recently turned 18. He has friends that he likes to have over to play video games and hang out with.

He tells me that his friends liked coming over because they think of our home as "comfortable". Nothing specific, just the feel of it.

Awesome!

New wrinkle

A new and interesting wrinkle in my life is to be the one that other people are trying to figure out and see what exactly I know and don't know whether I'm for them or against them and all is sort of thing. It's interesting.

Look Pray Do

I read in a Chris Brogan post a few years ago about coming up with 3 words for each year to help remind you of what you're focus is.

The three words I chose for 2019 are

Look | Pray | Do

Why? I decided that I didn't want to walk around in a fog or in auto-pilot this year. As I figure on actually looking at things I am learning to actually be present in things I am doing instead of always being focused on the future. As the year goes on I am learning to look at things in a simpler way, with a beginner's mindset, which is challenging at the 54th level. (meme reference)

Prayer is important. Prayer is challenging. Prayer changes things. So I wanted to focus on it this year. So far so good, though I still feel guilty when I meditate without praying.

I tend to stay in planning mode. Always looking ahead, probing for threats and plotting ways around them. "Do" is helping me get into action so that in 2020 I don't have to say I didn't do things. So far so good!

Those are my three words this year. What're yours?

Life verses

I think it's odd that people will pick one verse in the Bible to be there quote unquote life verse.

While I appreciate the idea behind it is so much in the Bible that God has given us that the I would hate to tie myself down to just one thing.

Paul talked about it when the he wrote the letters to the churches. And the when I read it and meditate on it I get that we should be focused on all of it not just an aspect of it.

That's hard for a lot of people because there's a lot of tough things in the Bible.

Biggest thing is love that goes through all of it. Even the angry parts.

Jumping when awakened

I jump when I am awakened. Almost every time.

Typically when my wife comes in to wake me up if I'm still asleep I jump as if I've been scared. It's always bothered her because she thinks that I should be on him and just be peaceful and wake up gracefully with a smile and all that.

I jump and sometimes grunt as if I'm scared and about to attack.

I think I figured out why. From what I've read during sleep the brain fluids drain or rents in the connections between everything or loosened so that dreams can happen and then neurons and pathways can be washed out of certain waste materials. Because everything was looser and more fluid but different fluid also seems like the amygdala or what is sometimes called the lizard brain has much more sway over what the body does. There's no filter over it and so the fight or flight response happens more easily. And because my awareness is down because all the connections are loosened and relaxed my wife can sneak up on me or not even try and suddenly appear inside my circle of awareness and I get that jolt of all we get to run and my body starts to do that before I go now where okay relax.

It's a theory. Don't know if it's right but that's what I've read and that seems to fit my behavior. What's funny is this morning I did it right after waking up. I was standing in the bathroom doing my business. My wife suddenly walked in and I jumped as if I was scared and I was about to leap in action. I think it's the same thing the connections just hadn't been established. I was drinking my glass of water trying to get everything running and still reacted to the surprise as if I was asleep.

Interesting!

Getting dirty

Getting dirty.

For email coaching and possibly one Americans way

One of the things that I've noticed about different leaders is that some are willing to get dirty and get down in the middle of whatever's going on and some are above it all.

I had one of my coworkers was working and an incident happened between two people at work. While my coworker was in charge. When the incident was brought to me I told the two supervisors that were working that they needed to go ahead and type of statements on what had happened for the investigation. And then I went to my peer and asked him to type up a statement on what happened. He got very defensive and asked why me and said he didn't think he needed to do it because he wasn't even there. And I said but the individuals that were involved came by and talk to you about it and I need you to write a statement for the investigation. If you're not going to do that we may need to take this higher.

This individual is the the type of manager that is politically connected and wants to move up faster than he is moving up. He doesn't want to get anything on him that's the negative or may slow them down. And so whenever things like this, P tends to sweep them under the rug or stay uninvolved and handed off as quick as he can so that he's not associated with the investigation at all.

I tend to be one of those that gets right in the middle of everything. I worked my way up from the lowest rung to this mid-level wrong that I'm at now. I enjoyed most of it and still enjoy getting in the middle of whatever is happening at work. And so I relish the thought of getting involved in an investigation and actually getting to tell my side of the story, however small my side might be.

Sometimes that's the way it is with the other things like our work in the church. Some people don't want to get dirty at all and don't get down in the middle of what's going on and stay at the higher level of planning and organizing. Some people only want to do the work and don't want to get involved in the the politics of organizing things and crossing organizational lines even in a church like ours. But we need to be open to whatever God is leading us to do and be ready to do it when the call comes.

I like getting dirty that! It's like being a kid with God overseeing everything. Stopped open in the puddles David! Don't get that money on anybody else or splashing people as I left hysterically. That would be pretty funny to see an. But I just think getting dirty is part of the deal.

Jesus got dirty. He slipped out under the stars and with his disciples. He walked the trails and the roads in went to the well. He went to the graveside and called Lazarus out. Even carried his own cross so that he could die for us on. Jesus got very dirty by coming down and living with us.

I think that's part of the deal!

Coffee concoction

My current coffee concoction

I like to use the Starbucks instant coffee but also any cake up cure egg coffee things.

A spoonful of hot chocolate.

A package of mushroom coffee, preferably lion's mane mushroom and child a mushroom. The lion's mane helps me have more vivid dreams.

A teaspoon of brain octane oil. A teaspoon of honey.

Hot water from the cure egg. Stir it up and enjoy!

I'll also sometimes put in a pat of butter in it but haven't been doing that lately.

Time to watch

I don't understand how all these people have time to watch all these shows.

I barely have time to watch one show with my wife a couple times a week. But that I do work a couple of evening shifts a week and we don't sit at home and just stare at the TV and have Netflix playing continuously. I prefer to have beautiful pictures or pictures of the family or whatever instead of Netflix murders rapes gay sex and all that other stuff.

Protect your mind

I read a story recently about a man that watched certain types of videos on YouTube to the point that he became paranoid that people were after him. Then he started killing people.

The Internet is a cornucopia of knowledge and wisdom, but with all that bounty comes the other stuff like garbage, debauchery, filth, and other judgemental words to describe the bilge washing around us in the sea of knowledge.

A teenager I know recently told me about how he used videos to purposefully make himself sad to the point of crying. He has it so good in life that he has to try and induce depression. Wow!

Protect your mind. It'll help you a lot in the long run...

Little is new now

It's one of the things that I've noticed as I get older: things are no longer new. When I was young I would buy something and it would be new and I would attempt to figure it out. Find just the right place for it. Plug it into whatever my daily routine was or needed to be. And I would be so excited about having something different. Or I'd be annoyed. Or whatever.

But now that I'm in my 50s I don't buy very many new things. I buy replacement things. And that's a different kind of thing.

The flagpole for the front porch, for instance. We have several flags that we like fly for different seasons. They're very decorative, and each one helps make the house more festive from the outside. Christmas, spring, summer, birthday, all sorts of flags. But the flagpole wears out. The wood gets old and breaks. So I get a new flagpole. It's not new except to me. The same thing that I was doing before. It's just newer.

Cars are another example. You can get all the extras and get all the creature comforts but in the end it's four wheels and an engine with a box around it to carry you from place to place. Fast. Great stereo, cool windows, colors, comfortable seats, shape and size, it's all just a car. Or truck, or motorcycle, or whatever.

Food is another. I get to where I like certain kinds of food. Then my wife will introduce something new and tell her I don't really like it. But I like it enough to try it again. Then when I get to where I'm eating it on a regular basis. But it's just food. Fuel for the body. Something I have to cut back on so that I don't get more overweight.

I guess it's one of the wonders of life. As I get older and more experienced there's less new so I have to instead of being happy and thrilled to find joy in the adapting and the continuing.

Cool!

Flashes of memory

I recently returned to a little house that I lived in while going to college.

It's funny how memory works. I remember living there. But I don't remember day to day specifics.

I remember the feelings. The glow of emotions. Mostly the good ones. I don't remember the anger. Or the fear.

Interesting...

Don't wait

An online thing posed this question: If you could send a two-word message to yourself in the past what would you send?

My mind instantly thought: Don't wait.

As I look back on my life one of the things I remember doing over and over is waiting. I'll do that tomorrow. It's not the "best" time for this so I'll wait. Too much going on, can't take that on right now. All the excuses.

Waiting has cost me money. Has led to regrets. Had made me miss opportunities.

But waiting has also saved me from a lot of trouble. Has helped me reconsider.

It's a balance thing that's challenging.

Hmmm

Shoes and my feet

I've worn shoes anytime I go outside for most of my life.

I read an article about how as we get older the padding in our shoes actually limits our brain's ability to adapt to our environment, leading to balance and strength issues in later life. So I looked for ways to get my feet bare.

A few years ago I started wearing flip-flops and sandals to give my feet some freedom. I usually felt guilty but did it anyways.

In 2014 I went without wearing shoes for two weeks. It was exhilarating!

In 2015 I bought some ultra-thin sandals from Xero Shoes. They are huarache-style sandals and the freedom was awesome. I could feel the world!

Last year I bought the first minimalist shoes from Xero Shoes. They were awesome, just like the sandals but covered my feet. Cool!

This year I bought the Xero Shoes DayLight Hikers. So far so good!

My toes feel spread out and I feel free.

I see more and more guys going around in sandals, some tasteful, some not.

Don't know if it's helped my brain or my thinking but I'm enjoying it.

Outcast loved by God

I identify with the outcasts among us.

I don't feel like I fit in with normal groups of people. I often feel separate even when in the midst of something fun happening. I don't know if it's the whole "be present" issue I have, if it's my difference from everyone that makes me the same as them, or what, but I just don't feel like I fit in.

But I'm still a child of God. A friend at church has written a book of Bible studies for teenage girls called "Beloved". I think that's a beautiful title that captures how God feels about all of us, even me.

Memories from book stores

I read most things in an electronic format now - Kindle ebooks, Texture magazine subscription, National Review Online for conservative commentary, news sites on the web to keep up. But I still love book stores.

I have a lot of good memories involving book stores. Growing up my family lived 30 minutes outside of the town we were near. Occassionaly on the weekends we would go into town and go to a book store to get something new to read. I would buy another Peanuts/Charlie Brown paperbook and a new Star Trek book while my mother would buy a couple of new mysteries to read. Dad didnâ?Tt read for pleasure then. My brother was hooked on comic books so he would get the latest Hulk, Batman, or whatever.

When the mall was built we would go to the book store there. Just as much fun but so much more to see. I enjoyed the smell of the pages, all the colors and sizes of the different books. Picking the book I wanted to read was so difficult because I knew we wouldnâ?Tt be back for a few weeks, so I would take forever to decide which books to get.

Mom worked at the library for a while. I enjoyed going there but it was always disappointing when I had to take the book back. And they were covered in plastic so I couldnâ?Tt actually touch the book. Weird.

Mom taught me to respect books. Never to break the back by folding it over so it could be held in one hand. Never to dog-ear the pages to mark where I was. I took pleasure in folding a blank piece of notebook paper in half width-wise, then folding it half again, then one more time to make a bookmark. I tried to use a new piece of paper for each book and then leave them in the book so Iâ?Td have it when I read the book again. Eventually the bookmarks took on the smell of the pages, which I thought was cool.

My mother also taught me that if I kept a book with me at all times Iâ?Td never be bored. So Iâ?Td carry a paperback book with me everywhere I could. Riding in the car Iâ?Td have my nose in the book and escape to wherever the book was set. It was wonderful.

Ebooks revolutionized my reading efforts. I didnâ?Tt think a dedicated device made sense so I resisted the early Kindles but I used the heck out of ebook apps. Fictionwise was my first favorite site to buy books on, though I wished that they cost less because I wasnâ?Tt getting a physical copy of the book. Barnes & Noble was one of my favorite stores so I used their Nook reader and loved when Fictionwise was bought by them. I started buying ebooks from Amazon and loved their Kindle app, which Iâ?Tve used on every smart phone Iâ?Tve owned as well as on my iPod Touch and iPads. I finally bought a Kindle to use at bedtime and have enjoyed the Paperwhite Kindles as they have gotten thinner and waterproof. And with ebooks I carry a whole library of books with me wherever I go so I am never bored.

We tried to teach our children to love bookstores, too. On Friday nights weâ?Td go to the local Books-a-Million and let them play with the trains in the childrenâ?Ts section while we browsed. Weâ?Td encourage them to get into series of books and buy them one every few weeks. It was fun!

And as book stores have changed Iâ?Tve enjoyed the changes even when they didnâ?Tt make sense. The coffee, the games, the puzzles and brain teasers, all were fun additions to our book store adventures. But I still love the smell of book stores. Amazon is awesome but the experience of buying ebooks just doesnâ?Tt compare to a physical book store.

Iâ?Tve got some great memories from the book stores Iâ?Tve been to. Wonderful!

I had speech therapy

When I was a child I was tested at school for different things. At one point the school said I had scoliosis, that disease where your is curved and as you grow it gets worse and worse. That turned out not to be true - my back is fine.

I was also diagnosed with a speech impediment. They said that I had a lisp, which I still have. Itâ?Ts not terrible, but it gets worse when Iâ?Tm. tired.

So I had to go to speech therapy. I grew up at a time when it was embarrassing to have to go to something other than your normal classes. They would come and get me, then I would go to the front office and go in the little room where a lady had me read and gave me tips on how to say â?oessâ? without sticking my tongue out.

I guess it worked. Every once in a while people will give me a hard time about the way I talk. I remember I went on a fam trip (flew in the cockpit to observe how the pilots interacted with air traffic control) and a pilot recognized my voice because of my slight lisp. But otherwise itâ?Ts been no big deal.

I still donâ?Tt like the way I say zero, though...

Hard questions about God

Reading the Bible it almost seems like God made everything, the devil messed it up, God spent a long time angry and disappointed, sent son to bridge the gap, and is waiting to send son again to destroy all and make new.

This is considered blasphemy by some. But it tells the macro "storyboard" sequence that I see as I read it over time.

My hard questions about God:
- If God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow why does it seem like he changed?
- When God was disappointed in Israel awful things happened, like the ground opening up and swallowing people, snakes everywhere killing people, a flood, and other stuff. What will happen when he's disappointed in me?

I don't know, I think about this stuff when I slow down and take the time to think. Sometimes I wonder if I should do it more often...

Dealing with Alzheimer's

My mother-in-law is 90 years old and has Alzheimer's. She is a happy person but when things are different she gets nervous and reacts poorly. But gets over it quickly and is accepting of her "forgetfulness".

My wife has dealt with it well but is starting to slip. Recently she went to see her mother. She told me that she sat out in front of the full-care facility for a while wondering if her mother would recognize her when she went in. It was worrisome to think her mother may not remember her.

The challenge for us is to accept the loss of memory and not get upset about it. Mom accepts it, why shouldn't we?

Just accept. That's what some religions teach. That's what some gurus teach. That's what tends to get me into trouble.

Such a challenge...

Being myself more and more

For much of my life I changed depending on where I was. At school I was quiet and shy, at home I was loud and fun-loving. When I started working I was quiet and determined, but when I went out with my girlfriend I was talkative and caring.

This dichotomy seemed almost like two personalities. I was angy a lot for a long time, and as I get older I think the way I compartmentalized my life contributed to my anger. It frustrated me that I had to be one way with one group and another more open way with another group.

So over the past 5 years or so I've made an effort to draw my worlds together so that they overlap. I use the same cups and work and home. I talk the mostly the same, though I still cuss too much at home (bad habit). I slowly becoming "whole".

That's where this place started. My effort to become wholly David is working, and I'm enjoying the things I am learning as I go through this process.

Proverbs 22 and me

Do not be friends with an angry man... Proverbs 22:24 (paraphrase)

I spent a lot of time angry in my life. Angry about work, angry about home, angry at traffic, angry at me.

I had a temper. I used to fly off the handle and yell about stuff at home. I'd stew about things at work. It was troubling.

I've cooled down a lot. Age does that, but also experience. But when reading Proverbs (again) I finally paused on some of the verses about anger, and Proverbs 22:24 blew cold wind all through my heart and soul.

I always wondered why I didn't want to get together with people other than my family. It seemed like they didn't like me, couldn't get anything out of me, had no use for me. So I returned the sentiment. I would be alone as much as possible. With a wife and four children that was challenging at times, but the shiftwork helped.

Miss my older children now

I was cooking dinner for me and my youngest child who is 17. I was preparing things and enjoying a glass of wine (one glass only!). I remember when I used to do this for our oldest children when they were little, then for our youngest boys when they were little.

It's fun to see them all growing up and becoming successful adults but I miss those time. It's fun to think about those times, to remember the joy of caring for them, but it made me mist up a little.

I guess that's part of being a parent. I poured as much of myself into my children as I could while pursuing my career and keeping my relationship with my wife. Yes, I missed things, yes I got upset at awkward times, but I taught and taught and taught and lived and did things with them and enjoyed being with them. And I miss my older children now.

Driving the boat

I remember going out on the Gulf of Mexico with my father and a friend of good one Saturday when I was 14 it so. While the friend was in the back cleaning things up after a full day of fishing my dad let me drive the boat. We were going full speed and I was supposed to keep it between the big pylons that guide boats to the port.

Somehow I aimed the boat in a way that we were running full speed outside the channel. I was focused on the next two pylons and Dad and I shared a few minutes of carefree fun with the wind blowing in our hair and the sun setting behind us.

Then the guy looked up and freaked out! He started swearing and saying we were out if the channel and probably in about 5 feet of water and could wreck at any moment. He slammed the throttle down so we instantly dropped speed, looked around the boat, then slowly got us back in the channel.

That feeling of embarrassment comes over me every once in a while. The fear of being outside the channel froze me for a long time, and still makes me cautious. But I've learned to get past it.

Celebrate anyways

We planned a trip to Hawaii a couple of years ago to celebrate some major life accomplishments: our 30th wedding anniversary, my daughter earning her Bachelor's degree, and my son/third child graduating high school.

My daughter couldn't make it due to work. The day after graduation she moved to Pennsylvania to take on a camp director role that she was hired for back in January. Summer camp is in full swing and she just couldn't get away.

But we are celebrating anyways! Over the years what I've learned is that celebrations are important, and sometimes need to happen every if someone can't make it. My daughter is a case in point, but my father is another one to think about. He passed away back in April, and while he couldn't have made the trip due to his illness and can't celebrate with us now we are still celebrating.

So many times I've allowed a celebration to be derailed by not being into it, not wanting the hassle, thinking that it wasn't appropriate. Oh, I'm sad that I missed those opportunities to celebrate!

So when you get a chance to celebrate something make the effort. It brings joy to you and those around you, and hopefully your world a better place as it does for me.

Bastardizing the english language

My mom said I may be a "little OCD". That's a mental illness!

She's 76 years old so I didn't want to argue with her. But it offends me to think that I am seen to have mental illness.

She also used the phrase "work wife" when talking about a lady my father worked with. I got rather upset about it and asked her not to use that phrase anymore.

Words mean things, and when we water down the meaning in an attempt to be cute or clever it reduces the impact of the words.

Mental illness is nothing to laugh at, though a lot of comedy focuses on it. Sheldon from "Big Bang Theory" comes to mind, as well as movies like "Liar, Liar" and others.

I wish our pop culture didn't bastardize the English language so much. But with all of the single mothers, test tube babies, and divorces even saying that doesn't mean what it used to mean. In fact it might be taken as something positive and liberal-minded...

My Desired Feelings

For a long time I thought that to be successful I had to achieve the goals they talked about in mass media. A certain amount of money coming in every month, owning and doing specific things, looking certain ways. It made me a grumpy man because I failed and failed and failed. And every failure was measurable.

About 3 years ago I stumbled across a YouTube video by Danielle Laporte. In it she talked about her Desire Map planner and how shifting from striving to achieve goals to striving to feel certain ways could improve my life. I thought it was the biggest bunch of new age hogwash I had ever heard!

After stepping back I evaluated it again because she is a very engaging speaker. After listening a few more times and reading more about her I thought through the idea of focusing on how I want to feel and liked the vibe so I gave it a tumble. It improved my life!

I went from beating myself up because I had failed again to acknowledging the successful choices I had made that day/week/month. I "felt" successful. And this shift from the negative to positive helped me change other things in my life. Soon the momentum of my attitude changed and I was happier, more pleasant, willing to try new things in my effort to feel certain ways. I began to grow again instead of staying angry and shriveled up. And I continue to benefit from this shift today.

My desired feelings for the past two years have been: Healthy, Useful, Progressing, Giving, and Ready.

Healthy - I'm tired of chasing after numbers generated from someone else. Instead of trying to lose I am trying to feel good, so I've changed my diet, my activity levels, and my habits in my pursuit of this healthy feeling. And it's working - I feel healthier!

Useful - As a white male I have been bypassed a lot at my job while people with other skills and attributes have been promoted. At my church I was left out because I was an unknown and not part of the "in" crowd. So I wanted to pursue feeling "useful". This change in mindset has given me the freedom to feel better about a lot of things in my job and in my life. And I've been able to get involved in things at church that are different for me but they make me feel very useful.

Progressing - On the back side of middle age I don't want to stagnate and feel like I have "arrived", I want to feel like I am learning and growing in knowledge and understanding. So I have purchased some online courses and started new ventures in my effort to "progress".

Giving - For the majority of my life I felt obligated to give to certain things. It never felt right but I did it. I have made an effort to find things to give specifically to and it made a world of difference in the way I felt about giving. I try to keep it anonymous as much as possible which has helped. Woohoo!

Ready - I learned as a scout leader to "be prepared". I'm not a prepper but I try to keep things ready so I can reduce decisions, speed up processes, and handle whatever comes up. This has helped me feel at times like I could take on anything and come out OK.

Though she can be a little "woo-woo" when she starts talking about stars and the goddess Danielle Laporte has helped me. Check her out at http://www.daniellelaporte.com/.