Not always anger ~

Recently I had an epiphany when talking about dealing with the situation where people thought I was angry. The epiphany was: what many perceive as anger is not always anger when dealing with me.

I'm a white male legal citizen over the age of 50 with adult children. I have a lot of experience in many areas of life. And I continue to learn and grow as I get older.

When I was younger I would use anger to power through things. To exert my will over situations where I thought I was supposed to be in control. I was afraid often that fear would come out as anger because people were doing things that made me concerned for their health or their welfare. And by welfare I don't mean check from the government, I mean their health, both mental and physical.

When I was surprised I often yelled and cursed. I remember I was asleep one time on top of the comforter on the bed. It was the afternoon after church and I was really tired so I grabbed a pillow and just laid on my belly and went to sleep. My wife came in and stuck her face in my face to wake me up and it scared me. I yelled some profane words and jumped up ready to fight. Another time I was in the shower one of my children that likes to scare people decided he would scare me. He discovered that was not the best idea because of my reaction.

In those situations and many others what came out looking like anger was my reaction to fear.

When I have expectations and those expectations are not met I experience disappointment. Often times I'm unable to express my disappointment in any way other than seeming angry. I wasn't brought up to cry although did plenty of that as a child. I remember one time when we lived 30 minutes from town in Florida mom and dad had to take me into town to go to the store or something. It was a Friday night and one of my favorite shows of the time, the Muppet's "Pigs In Space" show was supposed to come on 8PM. I asked and begged my parents to rush home so that we could get home in time for me to watch pigs in space. Think I was 13 at the time, or maybe 14. But we got home at about 8:03pm and I rushed into the living room and my grandmother was watching a different show and wouldn't change the channel. I was very disappointed. That time my disappointment came out as tears because I didn't know what to do and why she wasn't cooperating. It was before you can record things and watch them over and over frame by frame and I would never see that show again.

As I got older my disappointment seemed like I was angry. When being bypassed for promotions and details to different jobs to develop my career I would be very disappointed and that disappointment came across as anger to many. It was anger in several situations, but the base of it was disappointment. And embarrassment about how things were being done. But that's a different subject.

But as a male most of my negative emotions tend to be perceived as anger by others. I'm slowly learning that that's their problem and not mine. Perception is not reality. If perception was reality my perception of a lot of things would define a very radical reality around me.

But my grumpiness and supposedly angry demeanor is actually a fear of disappointment and nervousness and grief and even sometimes happiness and being thrilled. How you perceive my face and my voice is more your problem and not mine. I am who I am.

Not a scoffer ~

For some reason the word scoffer has been in my brain for the past couple of weeks.

A "scoffer" is defined as someone who makes fun of someone or something or mocks someone or something, usually about religious or moral values. The definition of "to scoff" is to express scorn or derision or content. (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+scoffer)

Strong word! Not a good thing to do.

I think that I'm thinking about this word because of seeing it being done in so many places. Commercials, especially political commercials about opponents of a political figure. Comedians routinely do this and because it's so outrageous people laugh, but I don't think they understand or even care about the damage that they do to the someone that they scoff at or even the damage to their own lives as they scoff.

I remember the word scoffer from Psalm 1 in the Bible. Psalm 1 says that a man is blessed when he does not walk in the counsel of the ungodly or stand in the path of sinners or sit in the seat of scoffers. (https://www.bible.com/bible/97/PSA.1.MSG)

Sometimes I have to pause and not express an opinion about something that I really don't need to have an opinion about. Sports teams and outcomes, certain products that I don't ever see myself using, and stuff like that. People standing on the side of the road. People that walk by in a store or that I see in a parking lot. Other drivers, especially other drivers.

I don't need to have an opinion about any of those people. There is no need for me to scoff and express derision and scorn about them or toward them. Not very loving or Christian if I do that.

I try to take delight in the law of the Lord. I take a lot more delight in the teachings of Jesus who said to "love your neighbor like you love yourself". And "to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength".

So I try hard not to scoff at things. In today's society that's becoming more and more challenging.

Awards and generations ~

Over the years it's been interesting to read about the divisions between what they called "generations". It's just another way to put people in boxes and categorize them but it does seem to work.

The "greatest generation" who fought World War II defended freedom. The Vietnam generation that had to deal with so much and reacted in ways that were sad when our soldiers came home. The boomers who are cast as the selfish and self-centered generation by people of that generation. How ironic! The millennial's. Gen X and others.

While I balk at the categorization and over-generalization that it brings I have noticed some things that fall in line with what I've read.

As a manager I have people that I am responsible for. I have watched the generation before mine celebrate retirements by having gatherings and covered dish lunches and celebrations of standing in front of your peers while whoever happens to be the manager of the facility presents you with a token of appreciation for your years of service. They got away from the gold watch a long time ago but the plaque and a gift card or gift of some item that captures the spirit of a career is always fun and nice to see.

My generation, the people that I have worked with the most and who I consider my peers even though I manage them, tend to not want any attention. When their work anniversaries, especially the big ones like 25 years, 30 years, I even had one guy reach 40 years, come they don't want to have the certificate presented in front of anybody. If I force the issue they want it done in a very small setting with their close coworkers and teammates. And they do not want any kind of retirement celebration. They just want to leave quietly. It's funny because I feel the very same way and am hoping to just fade into the woodwork.

The next generation after mine tends to be all about the certificate and the pin. They want that trophy even though they may not display it and may not tell anybody about it. But I have had several of them come to me and say "Hey when do I get my anniversary certificate?" And then when I do get it they beam when they receive it and then I never see it again. They don't want it presented in front of a crowd they just want to have it.

So there are differences in the generations. Seeing this small slice of it I agree that it's based on upbringing, experiences as a child, expectations of the group, and all the.

But I find it fascinating!

Like Star Trek ~

I am a Trekkie. I watched Star Trek when I was young. I watched Star Trek when I was in my 20s and 30s and 40s. I haven't watched it so much in my 50s, but I still pay attention to it.

I remember when I got married Star Trek: The Next Generation was just starting. When we got to the training center where I had to train for two months to see if I could keep my job one of the most important things I did on the night that we arrived was set up the TV with an antenna to receive the channel that got Star Trek: The Next Generation so we could watch that week's episode and recorded it to videotape.

Over the years I've noticed how much our modern technology efforts match up with what I saw in those shows. The original series, the Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, all laid out a path for us to follow into the future.

I now tap on screens like I watched Data and Geordie and Wharf did. I have video readouts on different things in my life. There are sensors and cameras all around me. I have devices with a voice interface that actually works! On multiple systems!

I remember the early voice interfaces that tried to be like Star Trek and they were soooo bad. They tried and they had the sound but they just couldn't recognize the voice well enough to translate words to a command that the computers could actually use. While I don't have a strong southern accent sometimes I wondered if it was my accent that was messing things up. I came to realize that no it was just really poor technology being marketed under the Star Trek name to make lots of money from all the crazy people like me that wanted it to work.

I remember that there was an episode where they were using flashlights that look like flat rectangular boxes. I have a flashlight that is like that but a little bit smaller. It gives me white and red light. I used it with my granddaughter at a late display over the Christmas holidays recently. She was delighted to sit there and press the button and try to make it change colors and patterns. But it looks so much like what I saw in Star Trek that it's scary.

I never went for the flip open phone that looked like the Star Trek communicator from the original series. Although I really would've loved to say "Beam me up, Scotty!"

I have seens ads for a little Bluetooth Star Trek badge that you can pin to your shirt and then press it and have a speaker on a Bluetooth device connected to your mobile phone act like a Star Trek communicator. That would be way too nerdy for me! But it is fun to read about and watch.

Having answers at my fingertips and within the reach of my voice from a computer that talks back to me is amazing. Logging my life in a system that stores it away for future review is awesome.

I continue to explore strange new worlds and seek out new life and new civilizations. And I keep boldly going where no one seems to have gone before.

Fun!

Licensed by the FCC ~

I recently bought a handheld radio. It's a good walkie-talkie handheld radio that exceeds Federal Communication System (FCC) power limits so I figured for the price I had to have one!

After I got it I started thinking about how seriously the FCC takes that stuff so in order to press the talk button on it I wanted the license myself and make sure that I wouldn't get arrested if I tried to use it to talk to people. So I did something that I've wanted to do for really long time: I got an FCC license as ham radio operator!

It's cool because now I can use those channels that are licensed for use above the family radio service (FRS) channels that come with the cheap little bubble-wrap walkie-talkies. And I can use those frequencies too. And others. It will be interesting to see what I can listen to and maybe talk to some people.

I am most excited about possibly getting to listen to the talk on International Space Station frequencies during a flyover. That would be very exciting to pull off!

I've always enjoyed radios of different kinds. I remember when my dad brought home a professional walkie-talkie with the huge brick battery and long antenna that somebody lost on the side of the road. My dad was a communications guy so he picked it up and put it on our kitchen counter at home. I was 15 years old so one night while nobody was around I started tinkering with the radio and turned it on. Nothing ever came on the speaker. So I pressed the push-to-talk button a couple of times. And somebody called and said who is transmitting on this? He asked again and I answered and we were able to connect with the contractor who had spent lots of money on this radio and licensing to use it. I went with dad to return it to him. The guy tried to offer dad money but dad refused. The guy him his business card with a discount on fencing or something written on the back of it. Which dad never used.

So now I'm licensed to do what I did when I was 14 or 15 years old! Listen up for my call sign WRNR277. You may hear me out there on the frequencies...

Exercising liberty ~

Where I live there is a section of town that is more industrial than much of the rest of the area. Lots of warehouses and the trucking center where goods are moved from truck to truck or to people from there.

In that area there is a piece of property that has a Buddhist temple on it. I've watched over the years as they've fenced the property, then built a wall around the property, then built decorative parapets on the wall, built an ornate golden gate to get in and out of the complex. They built a temple with very decorative gold turrets and domes. The grounds are meticulously cared for. And beautiful!

What I do not see is those people forcing what they believe to be taught in public schools. I do not see those people things running for government office on a platform that says we will introduce our beliefs into the school systems and everyone will need to learn what and how we believe or they will be punished.

Many people think that beliefs about race and so-called science are being forced on people that do not want them and would not go out of their way to learn them. Some have become so progressive and liberal they see the school system and the University systems as methods of delivery of their beliefs.

I wish that we would just get back to teaching the basics in school and letting families and charitable organizations teach the beliefs. But because so many are destroying families and stomping out charitable organizations every chance they get I guess they just don't see a different way to do it.

It's a good thing that I can stay in my bubble and exercise liberty within that.

McDonald's adventure ~

When I was a teenager I worked at a McDonald's restaurant. I usually worked the grill making hamburgers, Big Macs, and quarter pounders with cheese.

One day when I went to work there was a problem with the metal prep table. The way the grill area was set up there were two big metal grills with burners on to keep them hot. There were powerful fans above them to pull the air and the greasy smoke and steam from the grill up and out instead of leaving and spread throughout the kitchen and restaurant. And behind that a preparation table made of stainless steel. The table had holes along the far side of it held the buckets with the fixings for sandwiches. Lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, onions, all that stuff.

The preparation table was plugged into an outlet on the floor. It helped keep the sandwich stuff cool and there were a couple of heated holes for future use when the McRib and sandwiches like that came out. On this day when I went in the problem was a short circuit. Somehow the table itself had become electrified and whenever we put anything on it or touch ed it we would get a shock. All the other workers were putting the stuff on other things like ledges on the side of the grill where trays could actually be set by design but also tended to fall if he jostled them too much while preparing the sandwiches. They were put him on the sink behind the preparation table. They were putting him over the oil at the fry station. It was generally just a bad time the grill area of our McDonald's.

The manager on duty kept trying to figure out where the short might be. And me being the guinea pig while I was cooking the burgers he would have me touch the table. I got shocked so many times that day! It got to where I was afraid to touch the table but I kept doing it because we needed to figure it out. And I thought it was funny later that he did never touch the table he made me do it. Good management, right? Eventually he found where the problem in the wiring was in the did a quick repair job with some electrical tape. And the show went on - yay!

But I always thought it was funny I got shockef all those times trying to keep things going while trying to help troubleshoot and find the issue.

Good memory!