One of the phrases that has caused me pain over the years is "you mean you didn't know?" Over the past several years at work I have been on the outside of the people that were on the inside was not the favored one.
I was not the preferred person. I was the one to be there when nobody else was there and work all the evening shifts and holidays that nobody else wanted to work and take all the scut work. That's what I specialize in and it's what I do best.
And I get a lot of stuff done that way things would happen at work and decisions would be made and people would come to me and tell me about it and say, you mean you didn't know for a long time? It really aggravated me until I finally decided that if they didn't tell me, it didn't have to influence what I was doing.
And if it didn't come from my bosses, then I didn't have to do it. All of a sudden, communication started happening with me a lot more because I was taking action without the latest guidance because they had left me out again.
In my home life, I had that happen often when I would talk to my mother and she would be commenting on something that other family members were doing, and I would say, oh, I didn't know that in a very casual way.
And she would say, "you mean you didn't know?". In a tone that made it seem like I should have known and that I was a bad person because I didn't know. I felt a lot of guilt and a lot of pain from being left out.
And I was left out of some pretty major things in our family. Surgeries, naming, job changes, moves, new addresses, all sorts of things. I even had to come up with a formula that I told people in my family to use.
The formula is: Telling my wife does not equal telling me was the formula.
My kids thought that was pretty funny, but nobody else inside my family got the joke. It's almost as if they didn't understand why I needed to know any of that stuff.
But the feelings of being left out and ostracized and not even thought of or considered were amplified by things that I was going through at work and in my personal life and led to a lot of guilt and hurt from it. Which was usually expressed as anger.
I've learned to cope with it. I've learned to adapt to not knowing things. I've taught myself to be perpetually surprised at what I encounter, to say, "oh" Instead of "I didn't know", to watch and listen and not have to know.
And I've learned to turn the guilt away so that I don't accept any responsibility for stuff that wasn't shared with me. Always before I would feel responsible, but I've learned and adapted. And if I really need to know something, I'll ask about it.
But what I've learned is that I really don't need to know any of that stuff.
Sunday, January 26, 2025
Wednesday, January 22, 2025
Ended my career ~
I recently ended a long career. As I have entered retirement, my wife has started calling me her "turtle" because I have slowed way down. It's funny because I accept it. I am purposefully trying to slow things down and take things easy.
I had a career in a field that is known to be high stress and I've been on for a really long time. And so as I purposefully not be in that mode, it's fascinating. I walk slower. That's partially because my joints hurt, but that's life.
I make decisions slower because I don't want to make a snap judgment and then get upset about it. I spent most of my life making snap judgments and fast decisions and then having to rush to fix it or rush to get something done for somebody else because they had missed a deadline.
And I've just really reached that point where I'm tired of that. But it's funny because I've grown to like hang drum music. Sometimes it's called a handpan and the instruments look like big turtles. I find that hilarious because I've always liked the turtle as a symbol.
So I kind of like the moniker although I don't want the negative side of it. A stranger passing by me one day outside of a hospital referred to me as "professor" and I really liked that - it made me want to go out and buy a sport coat with elbow patches just for kicks. I had a teacher in high school that wore one of those and carried a pipe. He would have the pipe in his mouth in class and drank Earl Grey tea all day long. We didn't call him "professor" but he sure was taking on that persona as a teacher.
But I don't mind being called a turtle or professor. I've gone fast for a long time and I still do, just in my own way.
I had a career in a field that is known to be high stress and I've been on for a really long time. And so as I purposefully not be in that mode, it's fascinating. I walk slower. That's partially because my joints hurt, but that's life.
I make decisions slower because I don't want to make a snap judgment and then get upset about it. I spent most of my life making snap judgments and fast decisions and then having to rush to fix it or rush to get something done for somebody else because they had missed a deadline.
And I've just really reached that point where I'm tired of that. But it's funny because I've grown to like hang drum music. Sometimes it's called a handpan and the instruments look like big turtles. I find that hilarious because I've always liked the turtle as a symbol.
So I kind of like the moniker although I don't want the negative side of it. A stranger passing by me one day outside of a hospital referred to me as "professor" and I really liked that - it made me want to go out and buy a sport coat with elbow patches just for kicks. I had a teacher in high school that wore one of those and carried a pipe. He would have the pipe in his mouth in class and drank Earl Grey tea all day long. We didn't call him "professor" but he sure was taking on that persona as a teacher.
But I don't mind being called a turtle or professor. I've gone fast for a long time and I still do, just in my own way.
Friday, January 17, 2025
Quality time vs Quantity time ~
Recently I got into a discussion about quality time versus quantity time. We were talking about which is more important, especially with children and family. In today's rush rush world, quality time is talked about and how you schedule time with people and you limit it because you don't can't spend a lot of time with them, but you want to maintain relationships and good development.
I was in a men's class thing at a church that I was going to years back. The speaker, instructor, facilitator was helping us discuss what we were learning from a book about men and family time and all that stuff and raising good kids.
That was one of the questions that he asked, which is more important in your children's lives? Quality time or quantity time with you? Of course, all the men in there were hard chargers developing their careers and everything.
We all said quality time because we want to make sure it's high quality and our kids get the most out of it. The man argued that quantity is more important than even the quality. because when we limit time with our children to 30 minutes a day that's all they're getting and they have no opportunity to just be with us.
Their relationship is limited and high expectations are put on it and if there's failure then it takes a while to recover from that if you can recover at all because the time you have available is already committed and limited.
His point was that we need quantity time with our children and with the people in our lives because the quality will come with the amount of time with more time spent. Now I can argue against that and say That's not always true, especially when it's a bad situation, or when there's pain and hurt involved that develops into anger or tears.
It's an interesting question. I was never one of those extremists that wanted to quit my job and spend all of my waking hours with my children because I personally wanted them to develop and to find upstanding individuals through relationships with me and their mother and others in the community.
That worked out well for us. All of our children did really well and grew up to be great people that I really enjoy hanging out with. But, I also understand that's not always the case with other families.
I often wished that I could have spent more time with my kids because I was working in a job that entailed shift work and prevented me from being there for a lot of different things. But I like the way we did it and I like the way things are turning out.
I love my family and when I get somebody in my life that I want to develop a relationship with, I add more time because my primary love language is quality time.
It was a good discussion and I keep thinking about it.
+++
I was in a men's class thing at a church that I was going to years back. The speaker, instructor, facilitator was helping us discuss what we were learning from a book about men and family time and all that stuff and raising good kids.
That was one of the questions that he asked, which is more important in your children's lives? Quality time or quantity time with you? Of course, all the men in there were hard chargers developing their careers and everything.
We all said quality time because we want to make sure it's high quality and our kids get the most out of it. The man argued that quantity is more important than even the quality. because when we limit time with our children to 30 minutes a day that's all they're getting and they have no opportunity to just be with us.
Their relationship is limited and high expectations are put on it and if there's failure then it takes a while to recover from that if you can recover at all because the time you have available is already committed and limited.
His point was that we need quantity time with our children and with the people in our lives because the quality will come with the amount of time with more time spent. Now I can argue against that and say That's not always true, especially when it's a bad situation, or when there's pain and hurt involved that develops into anger or tears.
It's an interesting question. I was never one of those extremists that wanted to quit my job and spend all of my waking hours with my children because I personally wanted them to develop and to find upstanding individuals through relationships with me and their mother and others in the community.
That worked out well for us. All of our children did really well and grew up to be great people that I really enjoy hanging out with. But, I also understand that's not always the case with other families.
I often wished that I could have spent more time with my kids because I was working in a job that entailed shift work and prevented me from being there for a lot of different things. But I like the way we did it and I like the way things are turning out.
I love my family and when I get somebody in my life that I want to develop a relationship with, I add more time because my primary love language is quality time.
It was a good discussion and I keep thinking about it.
+++
Thursday, January 16, 2025
Dogs from my past ~
I remember when I was a young teenager, we had moved out to the country after my dad retired from the Air Force. We had a poodle named Alexander. He had always been an indoor dog, but all of a sudden in the new house he became an outdoor dog. Dad built Alexander a doghouse and chained him to a tree, and there he was.
Dad felt like my brother and I needed another dog, a bigger dog, and he had heard about puppies close by. So we got a dog. We named her Muffin.
Muffin was a German Shepherd/Pitbull Siberian/Husky mix, and she had dark black fur with brown highlights on her chest and face. And as she grew, she was beautiful, and she was strong. Because of all the dirt and the house being new Muffin was an outside dog.
I was more of an indoor kid, and so I didn't go out to play with Muffin a whole lot. And as happens with so many pets, mom and dad had to feed and water Muffin more than me, and eventually mom had to do it all the time, and that was that.
But she was strong, that dog. As she grew, she broke every chain that dad put on her, and eventually he had to put a really heavy chain wrapped around the tree and then hooked to her collar that was really thick and big just to keep her in the yard.
I never did like that, and I wished that she could run free, but dad told me it was too dangerous and she might get hurt, she might get run over. One day she did get loose, and she was running around in the palm scrub behind our house.
Mom and dad had always warned us about rattlesnakes being underneath every palm frond laying on the ground and scorpions and banana spiders and all the other dangers that they could think of, so I was scared to go back there, but I didn't want Muffin to die.
And so I went and started trying to catch her. She would zoom by me, I would run after her, she would zoom by me again, and the thing that I noticed the most was how her eyes were so bright, and it was almost like she was smiling and laughing.
It was fun to see, but I was so scared that she would get hurt. So I finally caught her when she got tired and slowed down a little bit. And I took her back and put her on the chain, and she looked sad again.
Muffin got away several other times after that, and she was impregnated by another dog. And we think it was a German shepherd nearby. She had several puppies. Mom and dad gave most of the puppies away, but kept two of them because Muffin had gotten worms and was dying.
And she died shortly after giving birth. She was a strong dog, and I was always glad to hear her barks, but I'll never forget her eyes when she was loose.
#dog #history
Dad felt like my brother and I needed another dog, a bigger dog, and he had heard about puppies close by. So we got a dog. We named her Muffin.
Muffin was a German Shepherd/Pitbull Siberian/Husky mix, and she had dark black fur with brown highlights on her chest and face. And as she grew, she was beautiful, and she was strong. Because of all the dirt and the house being new Muffin was an outside dog.
I was more of an indoor kid, and so I didn't go out to play with Muffin a whole lot. And as happens with so many pets, mom and dad had to feed and water Muffin more than me, and eventually mom had to do it all the time, and that was that.
But she was strong, that dog. As she grew, she broke every chain that dad put on her, and eventually he had to put a really heavy chain wrapped around the tree and then hooked to her collar that was really thick and big just to keep her in the yard.
I never did like that, and I wished that she could run free, but dad told me it was too dangerous and she might get hurt, she might get run over. One day she did get loose, and she was running around in the palm scrub behind our house.
Mom and dad had always warned us about rattlesnakes being underneath every palm frond laying on the ground and scorpions and banana spiders and all the other dangers that they could think of, so I was scared to go back there, but I didn't want Muffin to die.
And so I went and started trying to catch her. She would zoom by me, I would run after her, she would zoom by me again, and the thing that I noticed the most was how her eyes were so bright, and it was almost like she was smiling and laughing.
It was fun to see, but I was so scared that she would get hurt. So I finally caught her when she got tired and slowed down a little bit. And I took her back and put her on the chain, and she looked sad again.
Muffin got away several other times after that, and she was impregnated by another dog. And we think it was a German shepherd nearby. She had several puppies. Mom and dad gave most of the puppies away, but kept two of them because Muffin had gotten worms and was dying.
And she died shortly after giving birth. She was a strong dog, and I was always glad to hear her barks, but I'll never forget her eyes when she was loose.
#dog #history
Sunday, December 29, 2024
Books I read in 2024 ~
As a manager I got feedback on my performance daily. It was always exciting to hear everyone else's opinion on how I handled something, expcially when they disagreed with me :-) Each year the person I reported to was required to give me a performance review, which early in my career tended to be "sign this, I have to turn it in today" but got better as I progressed. Toward the end of my career the annual performace review was drifting in to the new-and-improved "hey, did you click the link to acknowledge the performance review email the machine sent you?"
I was always given an opportunity to provide a self-assessment, and for a long time I had no idea what to put in it except that I thought I did great job! Over the years I would add the online courses I took and would list the books that I read through the year, and that seemed to satisfy whoever had the position above me at the time. So it became a habit to share things about what I've been reading at the end of the year.
For now I am continuing that habit in my "retirement". I'm including the fiction books that I read because my mother recently asked me "Do you even read fiction books anymore?" and I didn't have the heart to tell her that I read a little from them almost every night before I go to sleep.
So here's my list of the 19 or so books I've read in 2024:
- The Secret - A Jack Reacher novel by Lee Child
Jack Reacher is one of my favorite fictional characters of all time. This book was a fun ride!
https://a.co/d/hYfCBMy
- Safe Enough by Lee Child
Fun set of short stories. All were good!
https://a.co/d/01mjyTK
- The Ruthless Elimination Of Hurry by John Mark Comer
Good read on ways to slow down and develop my relationship with Jesus.
https://a.co/d/c8Ddc7l
- 1434 by Gavin Menzies
Interesting premise that the Chinese actually gave Europe everything it needed to make the Renaissance happen as they taught the western barbarians the proper way to pay tribute to the Chinese emperer of the world. The author makes a lot of good points and is pretty convincing.
https://a.co/d/diIgxnM
- Doing Life With Your Adult Children by Jim Burns
Now that all four of my children are adults I wanted to check to see if there was something I needed to do differently. I think I'm right on track :-)
https://a.co/d/2sXvxCz
- Dopamine Nation by Anne Lembke
This one was a stretch for me. It talked about addictions and how different people get the dopamine hit that we've been trained to want/need/desire. While I didn't enjoy some of the things talked about I got a lot out of the book and it helped clarify a lot of what is driving people's behavior when it comes to their mobile devices. Good book!
https://a.co/d/f0Arp1D
- Star Trek - Lost To Eternity by Greg Cox
Hadn't read a Star Trek book in quite a while so I thought I'd give this one a try. Good book set in the original series timeframe. I enjoyed it!
https://a.co/d/aU8LClb
- Happier At Home by Gretchen Rubin
I've enjoyed watching Gretchen Rubin develop her media empire with one good book after another. This one had several ideas that I've tried. I love all the background info that she pulls in to explain her points.
https://a.co/d/dKkzmsq
- Death in the Sunshine by Steph Broadribb
Good mystery but tough read due to the shifting perspective from character to character. I got used to the shifting about halfway through the book then really enjoyed it.
https://a.co/d/6FySrxo
- Dream Town by David Baldacci
Another mystery set in the 1950s, this time in Hollywood. I love how Baldacci makes you feel like you're there, though it's weird to think that they smoked as much as he makes it seem.
https://a.co/d/6ubjH0L
- Gambling Man by David Baldacci
Fun mystery set in the 1950s. Good PI character. 2nd book in the series.
https://a.co/d/dbXakZZ
- The Mysterious Case of Rudolf Diesel by Douglas Brunt
I've never had a vehicle with a diesel engine and have always wondered what the big deal about them was. This book was an eye-opener! I learned a lot and enjoyed the book even though I'm not a car guy. Good history!
https://a.co/d/ijoKkSY
- A Killer's Game by Isabella Maldonado
Fun ride through an interesting mystery.
https://a.co/d/d7CHqvF
- The Silver Pigs by Lindsey Davis
Another book I read to get a feel for Italy and Roma specifically in preparation for travel there. I enjoyed the book AND it helped me get a feel for the city of Rome.
https://a.co/d/9VXQnDj
- Hit Man by Lawrence Block
I was looking for a fun light read. I've read this before and enjoyed again!
https://a.co/d/guQAkOj
- Cold Tuscan Stone by David Wagner
I wanted to read a mystery set in Tuscany to get a feel for the area before travelling there. This book was a great way to get that experience. Good mystery, too.
https://a.co/d/98qcE82
- India Unbound by Das Gurcharon
I've been trying to learn more about India. This book shed a lot of light on things that I had no idea about. Long but good read!
https://a.co/d/gYYxnma
- The Burglar Who Met Frederick Brown by Lawrence Block
I wanted a mystery and have never gone wrong by reaching for a Lawrence Block book. Bernie Rhodenbar is a great character!
https://a.co/d/6DeE2C8
- Front Porch Tales by Philip Gulley
Good stories about different people and things in the author's life. Very heart-warming stuff!
https://a.co/d/130iPPV
And my list wouldn't be complete without recommending my own book:
- Things I've Never Done by David Holly
Something I put together to share myself with the world. Come in and know me better!
https://a.co/d/cnKfVJg
Enjoy!
+++
#books #2024
Wednesday, December 25, 2024
Christmas day during the Christmas season 2024 ~
This marks my 60th Christmas - woohoo! I've enjoyed soooo many different things on Christmas days in the past - opening presents with my family, enjoying good food with laughter and joking, movies both at home and in the theater, sleeping, working, all sorts of things. Through it all I've quietly concluded that the presence of those that I love and trust in my life is the most precious gift that others have given me.
God gave us a gift when his son was born to a virgin in Bethlehem. The birth had been predicted and proclaimed as a hoped-for event for centuries, but it was missed by so many that were looking for it. They were too busy living and commiserating about their circumstances that they didn't see the star, didn't notice the wise men, and didn't realize that the new star in the sky signified something important happening in the kingdom they were being held in (not the Roman empire).
I hope that you take some time to reflect on what Jesus and his birth means in your life this Christmas. And that God blesses you greatly as you get more understanding of him in the coming year.
Merry Christmas!
Bonus material:
What the Bible is all about by the Bible Project - https://youtu.be/7_CGP-12AE0?si=pPWV9eSyHhhUTSsu
What Christmas means to me - CS Lewis - https://youtu.be/zdnJQnnZtIQ?si=2ojrQ6Pi5wFJQ8Wa
#advent #christmas
Sunday, December 22, 2024
Peace during the Christmas season ~
Peace is another of those words associated with Christmas that means something different to almost everyone. Here are some things I think of when I hear or read the word "peace":
I long for peace on cold mornings when I hear the neighbor's dog bark rings clearly through the bare trees and crisp cold air during winter (stupid beagle).
I long for peace as a turn something over and over in my mind every day until I'm just tired of thinking about it and wish it would stop haunting me.
I feel peace as I enjoy the freedom that I've been experiencing lately.
I wish peace for people that work in jobs with the public that seem to have little to no interest in helping people like me.
I think of the song "Peace of Mind" by Boston. I've listened to that song since the 1980s and love to crank it up while I'm driving. I usually sing the lyrics to the song and thought I knew them, but I learned today that the words are a little different that what I've always thought they were. I've always thought the second line in chorus was something like "but I don't care whatever gets you high", but the actual line is "but I don't care if I get behind." Weird how that happens.
And even though I feel kind of silly admitting that about the lyrics I still have my peace of mind :-)
The Bible teaches that as an adult Jesus told his disciples "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives." (John 14:27 https://shorturl.at/chUQl) As a disciple this verse comforts me and helps me feel peace. Though I'm not very good at it I try to focus on this as some of the things in my life disturb my peace. His peace is so much better than mine!
Amidst all the hustle and bustle of the modern Christmas experience I hope you take some time to enjoy some good music, spend some time with friends and family, and contemplate what the birth of a baby they named Yeshua (or Jesus) over 2000 years ago means to you today.
Bonus material:
Prince of Peace - Celtic Worship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pr2RG-xR2lA
Peace of Mind by Boston:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edwk-8KJ1Js
#advent #christmas
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