Growing up there was always a question about what somebody's story
was. My parents would comment on people and say "what a shame". They
would wonder out loud why somebody would act the way that they did.
They would come up with explanations and more questions. When we were
driving somewhere and somebody pulled out in front of my dad, he would
say bad words and call them an idiot. In a nice way, but still.
As I was growing up I asked questions and got answers. A lot of times
the answer was I don't know and then maybe it's this that or the
other. Or they would tell the history of the person and explain that
that's just the way they were.
After learning all of that growing up as an adult I would tell myself
stories about the people around me. I would pick up little clues here
and there and then expand on them in my head. If somebody was mean to
me, I would explain it away because they didn't know any better or
they had a rough life or whatever.
If somebody cut me off in traffic, they were in a hurry or they were
stupid or worse. Because I was surrounded by the victim mentality, it
was easy to think of myself as a victim also. Those stories were lots
of fun because it was always my fault because I wasn't strong enough
or fast enough or good enough or rich enough or whatever.
I had to work shift work and so I couldn't do this that and the other
for my kids so that made me a bad father. I had to fight against those
urges and tendencies. That fight typically came out as anger and
frustration.
Because I would explain what was driving my decisions and nobody would
understand. Including my family. They didn't know about the stories in
my head. And about what I had convinced myself was probably true.
In the past few years I've slowed down and Started to unlearn some of
those things. I Still battle the stories. But I tend to say "no we
don't know that" and do my best to put it aside until I have more
facts or observations. Approaching a situation openly and with
curiousity is a challenge, but I'm learning to do that more and more.
I don't like being taken advantage of and so it's hard for me to lower
down my defenses.
But I'm working on it.
