One of the hardest phrases that I've had to deal with in seeking communication is, "And whose fault is that?" My mother always wanted to know who was at fault and always placed blame somewhere else.
There was always some outside influence or somebody that was out to get you. I grew up scared and fearful and careful to the point that I carry my wallet in my front pocket to this day. I've had that within my larger family.
I have a relative that when somebody would say they didn't know something their response when I was around was almost always "And whose fault is that?" Then they would explain that it was the fault of the person that didn't know the item.
This usually placed the person asking about something on the defensive because they didn't ask questions sooner or they didn't seek out the information. I got asked that, too, and I've been made to feel guilty because I didn't know something that nobody shared with me.
That's happened multiple times throughout my life, like changes of address, phone numbers, surgeries. names given to babies, all sorts of things. And it's always my fault that I didn't know because I didn't ask or I didn't stay close enough to pick it up in passing because nobody made the effort to let me know.
And that's the thing, as I hope to be included, I'm not. And I end up having to chase people for the information that I wish that I had. I've reached a point to where I don't chase people now. If you don't share it with me, I don't know it.
And then when you act like I should know it, I'm probably just going to look at you. Or you may have the "volatile when shaken" reaction because I'm surprised and hurt again to not have been included in something.
I don't know, I'm becoming more and more at peace with things and I like that. I just...hoped for something different.
But I accept the way things are. And whose fault is that? Mine.
