One of the challenging things that I've had to deal with over the past few years and recently is a question that my mother asked me. She was in the midst of a challenging situation and apparently wasn't getting her desired response and so she asked me bluntly, "Do you even love me?"
The question hurt me deeply. It's been asked a couple of times and it hurt deeply each time. But as I get some distance from it I have a couple of thoughts.
I can't control the way anybody else feels. I can influence and I can set the stage but they choose to feel however they feel.
This was a hard lesson I had to learn because I was taught growing up that things were good or bad and you felt good or bad based on what you were doing and what kind of day it was and whether or not the weather was good or bad.
If your horoscope for your zodiac sign said that you were going to have a bad day, then you tended to have a bad day because you were already programmed for it. It's funny they never say that, but in the negative environment I grew up in, it felt like that's what they said.
I chose to feel like that when it didn't say I was going to go out and conquer the world. The question "do you even love me" was said in a tone that communicated doubt. And that's what hurt me the most.
I was in the middle of giving time, money, leave and effort, gifts and touch, and my love was being questioned. When she asked me that question the first time I was very upset. It was a very calm situation and it felt like a punch in the gut.
The most recent time she asked that question and expressed doubt in my love for her, I was angry at being left out of something. It still felt like a punch in the gut. Like a stab to my heart. I love my mother, but as an adult, I've learned that she wasn't right about a lot of things and a lot of my negative tendencies were taught to me. I will continue to love my mother, and the love hasn't changed.
Sadly, I fear that anything that I do will be viewed as a reduction in love. And that's on her, not on me.
Thinking about it, I'm in good company. Jesus asked Peter, "Do you love me?"
He asked the question three times and the lesson that I get from preachers and articles and books is that it was a focusing question and that it hurt Peter deeply but he went on to do what he needed to do without Jesus around.
Jesus asked the question of God, why have you forsaken me? It's not quite the same but it's similar. God had not, but it felt that way. Jesus went through the anguish of not feeling loved for us.
I'm not Jesus, I'm not Peter, and I'm not God. But I take heart in their examples and will go through this anguish doing what I need to do. Challenging!
+++
