Prayer is like meditation ~

I have now "meditated" for over two years daily. I use the calm meditation at to help lead me in a 10 minute meditation each day. One of the challenges that I have with meditation is that it's so woo woo and new age. When I read articles about it there's gurus that meditate for hours each day. I even read a couple books by a guy that meditates each day for at least an hour in silence. He wrote a couple books that were awesome, but he's a homosexual that is an easy atheist and so it seemed odd why I was led to read his books. But I digress.

From what I've learned meditation is different for each person. For me it is pausing in my day and taking time to stop and focus my attention on listening for God. I don't empty my mind I don't try to yoke myself to the cosmic energy center. I'm actually trying to listen and hear God speaking to me. As woo woo as that may sound that's what I'm doing.

I'm not very successful at it. When I am meditating I tend to throw weights around exercising. I tend to play with my iPad and shop on Amazon which when I realize what I'm doing I stop and chastise myself. I rolled my eyes open to the back of my head and then I chastise myself over rolling my eyes stare at the wall or the picture on the wall. I probably had a change that picture been up there long time. Again, I digress.

One of the memes that I've seen repeatedly on my Pinterest board is that prayer is talking to God and meditation is listening to God. I have taken that in and have tried to apply that in my life. It seems to work okay, but it is imperfect. God is not always the way I want to hear so policy clearing quietly wait listening I don't usually get what I more often I get things when I'm driving or when I am doing other things and flashes of insight happen. When I pause and pray about my daily prayer focus I getting insight about something else not the prayer focus and get frustrated because I'm trying to focus here God what are you doing? But I try 10 minutes a day meditation brings.

I don't know if this is what they did in biblical times. I'm sure that they didn't wait for the rain to fall or press play on some rain stick that somebody turned over and over repeatedly to make the reigning sound. That would be funny to see, have a person in the corner turning a rain stick over and over for 10 or 15 minutes trying to relax you so that you can meditate.

But I try to meditate. And I learn while I meditate

Having adult children ~

As a father of four it is interesting to have all adult children.

When I read books from the past I read about children that died and people that went on to have other children despite children dying. I'm sad for them, but I cannot relate to that. Because all of my children survived.

I remember reading a Frank Herbert book called "The Dosadi Experiment" where there was this alien race on the planet Dosadi called the Gowachin. They were a frog-like race and the males would eat their children that were too slow and could not escape them. I never wanted to do that, but having read that book in my teenage years it always struck me as funny. In a weird way.

https://www.amazon.com/Dosadi-Experiment-Tor-Science-Fiction-ebook/dp/B007PRZP0G/ref=sr_1_1?crid=YGNCTTZXAOYY&keywords=dosadi+experiment+frank+herbert&qid=1689704663&sprefix=dosadi+exp%2Caps%2C702&sr=8-1

All of my children are adults. My wife and I had a goal that our children would grow up to be fine upstanding members of their community. We weren't focused on having doctors or nurses or scientists or lawyers or tycoons or any of that, we just wanted them to take our values and take the launchpad that we set up for them and launch out to be successful adults in whatever community they decided to be a part of. We hope that they will be part of the community that we were a part of, but knowing the way the world works we also understood that they might be in a different part of the world.

My wife and I have been wildly successful! Our adult children are doing good things, paying taxes, helping others, and growing into adults that are doing good things. It's so exciting to see! I'm looking forward to all the accomplishments they achieve.

But it is an adjustment having adult adult children. I can't tell them what to do. I can't tell them where to go or when to be there. I can only smile and say this is what I'm doing and I hope I see you there. It's awesome! They are responsible for themselves, which is awesome! I watch so many of my peers take on responsibilities that are not theirs and then watch as they get so frustrated when they can't exercise and enforce that responsibility on children that are not directly theirs.

I'm very happy with my adult children. I'm happy with what they are doing and achieving. I'm happy with what they are teaching me and I'm happy with what they are learning.

But it is weird being the parent of adult children.

Gum in urinals ~

Gum in urinals is dumb.

One of the things I wondered most of my life, both childhood and adulthood, is why guys spit their gum into urinals.

It just seems stupid to me! They're chewing, taking a leak, and they spit it into the urinal. Do they think it's funny? Do they think that it's hilarious that somebody's gonna have to use their fingers or some sort of tool to scoop their nasty gum up whenever they clean of the bathroom later that day?

I've never known. But it just seems to me the rude to me.

That's like when people spit their gum on sidewalks or in parking lots. I understand that you're done with the gum, but you're just setting somebody else up to step in it, make a big mess on the bottom of their shoes probably grind it into their carpet at work or at home. It's just rude!

I remember one time during the Christmas season these young teens were hanging around the door of the store and they were laughing and giggling because they had thrown catsup packages right where a crowd of people were walking. They were there watching the catsup packages pop and squirt catsup on people. Most people didn't even recognize it and the kids were laughing their heads off because they thought it was so funny that people didn't catch they didn't know it was happening. I went over to say something and they ran off, but it irritated me so much.

The gum thing in urinals irritates me too. But I never catch anybody doing that.

I guess with the way things are going today women will have to deal with this more as more men use women's restrooms. Do women spit their gum out in the women's urinals in the bathroom? I don't know, the few women's restrooms I've seen didn't have urinals and the pictures of women's urinals made it look like it would be a complicated operation.

I guess that begs the question: When are they going to start putting urinals in women's restrooms for the men who identify as women can use them?

LOL

Arguing with God ~

One of the things that I have struggled with in my Christian wall was what God said. Like so many other people I believe that God leads us in ways that are usually hard to explain and tend to seem hokey and silly to others. The feeling and call to write a card when that's not something that I do. Feeling mercy for someone and you don't even know them.

Over the years I felt guilty for not doing certain things that I felt like I was being led to do. I would beat myself up and say that I had let God down and missed an opportunity to spread the love of Jesus but over the years as I read the Bible and listen to sermons at church and read books I learned that I was not alone. Rather than just missing opportunities people actually argue with God about opportunities.

Just look in the Bible.

Moses argued with God about going to Egypt, about leading the Israelites out of Egypt, about what to do in the desert with the Israelites. Lots of things!

Samuel didn't believe that God wanted the missing child and kept looking at people that looked like kings to him instead of following what God was saying.

Other people argued with God too.

I don't find myself arguing as much as just ignoring and so I'm not sure which is worse.

The thing that I always found fascinating from the Bible stories is that God accommodated those people. He made adjustments and provided different things in order to accomplish his goals.

So I guess it's not wrong to argue with God!

New phone alert ~

This week I started getting a different alert on my phone. My weather app kept reporting "hot spot" fires near my location

I had never seen that alert from my weather app. I looked at it, read it and then discounted it because I had not heard anything on the news about a fire and had not seen anything near my home or my location.  A few days later I read an article on a conservative website about the presence of ANTIFA near my location and how they had occupied a tract of land that the local government was going to turn into a police training facility and that they had been setting fires and shooting at the officers sent to clear them from the land.

This is something that I warned my children about when they were growing up. I told them that in other countries when children were taken to school they rode by overturned burned-out cars and buildings that had been shot with holes and rocket-propelled grenades. I told them that we were blessed to live in the United States of America and not have to deal with that in our day-to-day life. But that they should be ready because it could happen at any time.

It saddens me that I was right about this. Thanks, crazy people!

Some things I was taught ~

Growing up I was taught a lot of things that I've discovered needed adjusting.

I was taught that whatever you go out in public somebody was waiting to steal your stuff. That's why we have to lock her car doors, have to be careful wherever we go, and all of that. My parents were very concerned about pickpockets and all the evils in a crowd so to this day I carry my wallet in my front pocket instead of in the back where many other guys carry theirs.

Over the years I've learned that not everybody is out to get me even though that's what I thought. I've learned that there's not that many people that steal things, but there are some. I remember as an adult having a person at our house my dad was very concerned about if I could trust that person and how I knew I could or could not. I explained to him that I didn't know if I can trust them but that I was going to try. Then he asked what if they steal from you? And I told him that was the beauty of it I had put on a $20 bill on the kitchen counter in a place where it was kinda visible but not obvious that I was just watching to see if it disappeared. And if it did then I could ask questions and learn something. He never brought it up again.

I was taught that I had to always wear shoes and socks. Especially out in the yard because we didn't want to get worms in your feet and we didn't want to get other things that will affect your body I've learned that going barefoot is okay and is actually kind of fun. I've gotten to where I wear these sandals that are just like going around in bare feet and it's amazing!

Another one: Anybody coming to the door is probably a salesman or a Jehovah's Witness.

Not true! It depends on what you've cultivated and encouraged. Technically we don't get a lot of people coming to our door, but because we do hold small groups in our home we get people coming to our door that are not salespeople or Jehovah's Witnesses and sometimes when you get one of those it can be an adventure.

I'm not saying that the things that I was taught don't work, I've just had to adjust because they paralyzed me for so long. I would go out and when I went to an event or church service or a dinner I would constantly be on guard and angry because I was vulnerable. The anger was fueled by so much stress that had been built into me.

I continue to work through all of this now. And the progress is coming along, at times I slip fall back into that thinking again. Daily I guess nowadays they call it catastrophizing or something. Anything that happens could become the worst thing that ever happened! That's actually helped me over the years but also hurt me.

I remember we had a sinkhole-like thing in our backyard. The kids came in and told me about it and I got all upset. I went out and looked at it with its proximity to the septic tanks all I could envision was this great big sinkhole like what you see on the news from Florida opening up and swallowing our house. And I talked about it that way! And I fretted until we filled the hole and it didn't get any bigger. Funny now, but that weekend was not much fun for me. It was a short weekend so that wasn't much fun.

I learned a lot of good things from my parents. And I'm working through the things that were not quite as helpful as they may have thought they would be.

Not always anger ~

Recently I had an epiphany when talking about dealing with the situation where people thought I was angry. The epiphany was: what many perceive as anger is not always anger when dealing with me.

I'm a white male legal citizen over the age of 50 with adult children. I have a lot of experience in many areas of life. And I continue to learn and grow as I get older.

When I was younger I would use anger to power through things. To exert my will over situations where I thought I was supposed to be in control. I was afraid often that fear would come out as anger because people were doing things that made me concerned for their health or their welfare. And by welfare I don't mean check from the government, I mean their health, both mental and physical.

When I was surprised I often yelled and cursed. I remember I was asleep one time on top of the comforter on the bed. It was the afternoon after church and I was really tired so I grabbed a pillow and just laid on my belly and went to sleep. My wife came in and stuck her face in my face to wake me up and it scared me. I yelled some profane words and jumped up ready to fight. Another time I was in the shower one of my children that likes to scare people decided he would scare me. He discovered that was not the best idea because of my reaction.

In those situations and many others what came out looking like anger was my reaction to fear.

When I have expectations and those expectations are not met I experience disappointment. Often times I'm unable to express my disappointment in any way other than seeming angry. I wasn't brought up to cry although did plenty of that as a child. I remember one time when we lived 30 minutes from town in Florida mom and dad had to take me into town to go to the store or something. It was a Friday night and one of my favorite shows of the time, the Muppet's "Pigs In Space" show was supposed to come on 8PM. I asked and begged my parents to rush home so that we could get home in time for me to watch pigs in space. Think I was 13 at the time, or maybe 14. But we got home at about 8:03pm and I rushed into the living room and my grandmother was watching a different show and wouldn't change the channel. I was very disappointed. That time my disappointment came out as tears because I didn't know what to do and why she wasn't cooperating. It was before you can record things and watch them over and over frame by frame and I would never see that show again.

As I got older my disappointment seemed like I was angry. When being bypassed for promotions and details to different jobs to develop my career I would be very disappointed and that disappointment came across as anger to many. It was anger in several situations, but the base of it was disappointment. And embarrassment about how things were being done. But that's a different subject.

But as a male most of my negative emotions tend to be perceived as anger by others. I'm slowly learning that that's their problem and not mine. Perception is not reality. If perception was reality my perception of a lot of things would define a very radical reality around me.

But my grumpiness and supposedly angry demeanor is actually a fear of disappointment and nervousness and grief and even sometimes happiness and being thrilled. How you perceive my face and my voice is more your problem and not mine. I am who I am.